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Maddie chasing bubbles.

Things have been… I don’t even know what word to use, really. They have been up and down. They’ve been a challenge.

I suppose that word fits best. Challenging.

I have been neglecting this place, but mostly because I feel like the world doesn’t need another random, rambling blog. I have nothing to really offer that hasn’t already been said a million times before, and I have been an awful blog-friend to all of my favorites I used to read so regularly. I apologize for that. When I’m on the computer lately it’s either while I’m at work or checking mail. I don’t even really stay online much these days. Twitter is the only place I see to find myself these days.

My aunt is not getting any better… But that’s kind of to be expected. She’s been in the hospital twice, and the cancer has now reached her lungs, stomach, pancreas, liver and uterus. It’s only a matter of time before it spreads to the point of shutting down her vital organs. We’re not sure how much time she has… but she still doesn’t feel any pain. It’s just the fluid in her lungs that scares her. She has a catheter in her side to drain the fluid every few days. This Sunday there is a benefit dinner in her honor that some friends of the family have set up. All the proceeds go to her. There are raffles and music and a big spaghetti dinner. It’s absolutely heart-wrenching how generous and thoughtful people have been throughout all of this.

My mother and I decided last night that we are going to get a matching tattoo in honor of my aunt. It’s a play off of the tattoo I mentioned before… The quote “like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.” Except that in the leaf, it will have my aunt’s name. One of my cousin’s just recently got a tattoo in honor of her. She always signed her cards/letters “love ya” and so my cousin got a tattoo with that saying in my aunt’s handwriting. I think it’s awesome, and I really, really want to get this tattoo with my mother.

Only a few more weeks until my mother-in-law and one of my brother-in-laws make it over here from New Zealand for a few weeks. Only a few more weeks until we go to New York City for the first time. I’m trying so hard not to be terrified of this. I know it sounds so silly. It will be fun. My mother-in-law is taking me to see “Mamma Mia” on Broadway as an early birthday present.

My doctor put me on anti-depressants. They thought I may have had Lyme Disease or a thyroid problem, but after all the blood work came back fine, she was convinced it’s just my depression and anxiety making a come back. I can’t say I’m surprised… I knew it was only a matter of time before I wouldn’t have it under control anymore. I haven’t been on medication for depression or anxiety since I was a teenager. I had been doing so well. But… You know how that goes.

I realize this post makes me sound like the biggest emo princess known, but I promise you this isn’t the case. I’m actually doing quite well. The medication is helping, despite the fact that I’m not sleeping well because of it. I’m really excited to meet part of my New Zealand family – considering I’ll be married three years this December. I am able to spend a lot of quality time with my aunt before she passes, so I know I haven’t missed out on anything – and will have no regrets once she’s gone. And most importantly, it’s made me realize how important my mother (and my father) are. If anything, this whole situation has gotten my mother and I to grow even closer than we already had been as I’ve been getting older. I am so unbelievably lucky to have the relationships I do with my parents, and I can’t ever appreciate them enough for it.

So, I guess that’s all I have in me now.

Overwhelmed

Sometimes life throws so much at you that you just start to feel so tiny in a huge current of stress. Like the things you’re up against are so much bigger than you, and that there is absolutely no way you would be able to fight it.

Ok, so that sounds a bit melodramatic, but I’m having a bit of a melodramatic time, so it’s sort of fitting.

I don’t even know if I can type much at the moment. I just seemed to have gotten myself to stop crying and compose myself, and so I don’t want to trigger anymore waterworks. I’m pretty sure I’ve cried enough in the past few weeks to form a small ocean. Possibly a mid-sized one.

Today has just been a stress-worthy day. For no other reason than I’ve been home by myself for most of it, and when I’m emotional and alone, I tend to get myself worked up and upset. Our cats got into a fight and it has become painfully obvious that it’s just not working out. I spent a good portion of the afternoon sitting on this couch, crying my eyes out because I am heartbroken that we are going to have to give Carlie up, and that Clea has come to hate me and be terrified of the house.

I got to see my aunt yesterday, which was bittersweet. For those unaware, my aunt was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago, and since being diagnosed, the doctors have given her a six-month window, if that. She is not doing well. My poor grandparents. They lost a son – my uncle – to cancer back in 1989 when he was only 40-years old. My aunt will be 65 in October, and to have to lose another child to the same thing… It’s just wrong. Parents should not have to bury their children. Especially on such tragic, painful circumstances. My aunt was like a second mother to my brother and I growing up. We have mounds of memories of her.

And I have to stop now, because the waterworks are starting.

I’m just having a really hard time dealing with even the smallest of things lately. It feels like everything takes everything in me to accomplish.

And it just kinda sucks.

“Body Lines” – Self Portrait

Tomorrow marks a few things. Tomorrow is the last day of my one-and-a-half week vacation. It also marks the day that I can pre-order my iPhone 4 (actually I’m hoping to do this by midnight tonight if at all possible). And last (but definitely not least) it marks the three-year anniversary of Simon’s arrival to the U.S. The day that I met him in person for the first time ever after knowing him for four years online. I’m taking him out to dinner to celebrate. I can’t believe it’s been three years! Part of me feels like he’s been here forever… I almost can’t imagine life without him now. But I can still remember sitting in the airport terminal, scared shitless about what would come out of those gates for me, and what it would mean for us. We had already expressed our love for each other. We already knew what we wanted to happen. But we had never actually met before that moment and it was terrifying and  exhilarating all at once.

For those who don’t know, we ended up being married six months later and we’ll be celebrating our three year anniversary this December!

I am really, really not looking forward to going back to work on Wednesday. It’s been about three years since I took a vacation, and this week and a half went by so very quickly, I feel like I’ll need another two just to recover from going back. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I hate my job. There’s just so much drama. It’s been so nice to be living relatively drama-free for the last ten days. I’m almost afraid of how I’m going to react to jumping back into things. Hopefully I’ll be able to swallow my anxiety and just ride the wave.

I am quite sad over the fact that I didn’t take my vacation as an opportunity to photograph more. There’s so much I want to do/try… but really I need more tools. I really want this flash for my camera. I also want this skin (or this one) and this wireless remote. I don’t ask for much, right?

But with the purchase of my iPhone 4, I’m not going to be spending much money elsewhere for a while.

But, they will be mine. Oh yes, they will be mine. Someday.

What is the best (and worst) thing happening to you this week?