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From the Heart

I started a Tumblr blog. I decided that I wanted a place to focus on the happy in life. I need a little re-focusing on the good around me, seeing as there seems to be so much negativity lately. I don’t want to drown in sorrow. I don’t want to be Miss Doom & Gloom all the time. I used to be the optimistic one. I need to try and regain that sunshine. What better way than to take a moment each day to reflect on the happiness in my life?

Today I spent the day with my family. Lately it seems that my Sundays are usually spent around my relatives. It’s sad to think that it’s taken losing a family member to realize how important they really are to me. We have always been a very tight-knit group of people, but now more than ever I feel the need to embrace my relatives and get to know them not just as aunts and uncles, but as people. As I mentioned in my most recent Tumblr post, we so easily forget that not everyone is blessed with knowing their family as well as I have gotten to know mine. My mother comes from a family of eight, and I grew up with 16 cousins. We’ve always been a large family… but there is so much history, so many stories… It’s so sad to think that there are people out there who miss out on that.

We spent the afternoon at my grandparents’ house, celebrating their 68th anniversary. 68 years! It’s hard for me to imagine being alive for that long, nevermind being married to the same person. Birthing and raising eight children. Watching them each raise their own children, and now watching them raise their children as well. The life they’ve lived so far… The stories they have… The things they’ve seen… it astounds me. I strive to be like them. I want to be alive for my great-grandchildren. I want to be able to look over at my husband and be able to say “68 years ago, I married you and look at us now.”

Doris and Herb Boughton, you are an inspiration to me.

Maddie chasing bubbles.

Things have been… I don’t even know what word to use, really. They have been up and down. They’ve been a challenge.

I suppose that word fits best. Challenging.

I have been neglecting this place, but mostly because I feel like the world doesn’t need another random, rambling blog. I have nothing to really offer that hasn’t already been said a million times before, and I have been an awful blog-friend to all of my favorites I used to read so regularly. I apologize for that. When I’m on the computer lately it’s either while I’m at work or checking mail. I don’t even really stay online much these days. Twitter is the only place I see to find myself these days.

My aunt is not getting any better… But that’s kind of to be expected. She’s been in the hospital twice, and the cancer has now reached her lungs, stomach, pancreas, liver and uterus. It’s only a matter of time before it spreads to the point of shutting down her vital organs. We’re not sure how much time she has… but she still doesn’t feel any pain. It’s just the fluid in her lungs that scares her. She has a catheter in her side to drain the fluid every few days. This Sunday there is a benefit dinner in her honor that some friends of the family have set up. All the proceeds go to her. There are raffles and music and a big spaghetti dinner. It’s absolutely heart-wrenching how generous and thoughtful people have been throughout all of this.

My mother and I decided last night that we are going to get a matching tattoo in honor of my aunt. It’s a play off of the tattoo I mentioned before… The quote “like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.” Except that in the leaf, it will have my aunt’s name. One of my cousin’s just recently got a tattoo in honor of her. She always signed her cards/letters “love ya” and so my cousin got a tattoo with that saying in my aunt’s handwriting. I think it’s awesome, and I really, really want to get this tattoo with my mother.

Only a few more weeks until my mother-in-law and one of my brother-in-laws make it over here from New Zealand for a few weeks. Only a few more weeks until we go to New York City for the first time. I’m trying so hard not to be terrified of this. I know it sounds so silly. It will be fun. My mother-in-law is taking me to see “Mamma Mia” on Broadway as an early birthday present.

My doctor put me on anti-depressants. They thought I may have had Lyme Disease or a thyroid problem, but after all the blood work came back fine, she was convinced it’s just my depression and anxiety making a come back. I can’t say I’m surprised… I knew it was only a matter of time before I wouldn’t have it under control anymore. I haven’t been on medication for depression or anxiety since I was a teenager. I had been doing so well. But… You know how that goes.

I realize this post makes me sound like the biggest emo princess known, but I promise you this isn’t the case. I’m actually doing quite well. The medication is helping, despite the fact that I’m not sleeping well because of it. I’m really excited to meet part of my New Zealand family – considering I’ll be married three years this December. I am able to spend a lot of quality time with my aunt before she passes, so I know I haven’t missed out on anything – and will have no regrets once she’s gone. And most importantly, it’s made me realize how important my mother (and my father) are. If anything, this whole situation has gotten my mother and I to grow even closer than we already had been as I’ve been getting older. I am so unbelievably lucky to have the relationships I do with my parents, and I can’t ever appreciate them enough for it.

So, I guess that’s all I have in me now.

Overwhelmed

Sometimes life throws so much at you that you just start to feel so tiny in a huge current of stress. Like the things you’re up against are so much bigger than you, and that there is absolutely no way you would be able to fight it.

Ok, so that sounds a bit melodramatic, but I’m having a bit of a melodramatic time, so it’s sort of fitting.

I don’t even know if I can type much at the moment. I just seemed to have gotten myself to stop crying and compose myself, and so I don’t want to trigger anymore waterworks. I’m pretty sure I’ve cried enough in the past few weeks to form a small ocean. Possibly a mid-sized one.

Today has just been a stress-worthy day. For no other reason than I’ve been home by myself for most of it, and when I’m emotional and alone, I tend to get myself worked up and upset. Our cats got into a fight and it has become painfully obvious that it’s just not working out. I spent a good portion of the afternoon sitting on this couch, crying my eyes out because I am heartbroken that we are going to have to give Carlie up, and that Clea has come to hate me and be terrified of the house.

I got to see my aunt yesterday, which was bittersweet. For those unaware, my aunt was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago, and since being diagnosed, the doctors have given her a six-month window, if that. She is not doing well. My poor grandparents. They lost a son – my uncle – to cancer back in 1989 when he was only 40-years old. My aunt will be 65 in October, and to have to lose another child to the same thing… It’s just wrong. Parents should not have to bury their children. Especially on such tragic, painful circumstances. My aunt was like a second mother to my brother and I growing up. We have mounds of memories of her.

And I have to stop now, because the waterworks are starting.

I’m just having a really hard time dealing with even the smallest of things lately. It feels like everything takes everything in me to accomplish.

And it just kinda sucks.