I started a Tumblr blog. I decided that I wanted a place to focus on the happy in life. I need a little re-focusing on the good around me, seeing as there seems to be so much negativity lately. I don’t want to drown in sorrow. I don’t want to be Miss Doom & Gloom all the time. I used to be the optimistic one. I need to try and regain that sunshine. What better way than to take a moment each day to reflect on the happiness in my life?

Today I spent the day with my family. Lately it seems that my Sundays are usually spent around my relatives. It’s sad to think that it’s taken losing a family member to realize how important they really are to me. We have always been a very tight-knit group of people, but now more than ever I feel the need to embrace my relatives and get to know them not just as aunts and uncles, but as people. As I mentioned in my most recent Tumblr post, we so easily forget that not everyone is blessed with knowing their family as well as I have gotten to know mine. My mother comes from a family of eight, and I grew up with 16 cousins. We’ve always been a large family… but there is so much history, so many stories… It’s so sad to think that there are people out there who miss out on that.

We spent the afternoon at my grandparents’ house, celebrating their 68th anniversary. 68 years! It’s hard for me to imagine being alive for that long, nevermind being married to the same person. Birthing and raising eight children. Watching them each raise their own children, and now watching them raise their children as well. The life they’ve lived so far… The stories they have… The things they’ve seen… it astounds me. I strive to be like them. I want to be alive for my great-grandchildren. I want to be able to look over at my husband and be able to say “68 years ago, I married you and look at us now.”

Doris and Herb Boughton, you are an inspiration to me.

Things have been… I don’t even know what word to use, really. They have been up and down. They’ve been a challenge.

I suppose that word fits best. Challenging.

I have been neglecting this place, but mostly because I feel like the world doesn’t need another random, rambling blog. I have nothing to really offer that hasn’t already been said a million times before, and I have been an awful blog-friend to all of my favorites I used to read so regularly. I apologize for that. When I’m on the computer lately it’s either while I’m at work or checking mail. I don’t even really stay online much these days. Twitter is the only place I see to find myself these days.

My aunt is not getting any better… But that’s kind of to be expected. She’s been in the hospital twice, and the cancer has now reached her lungs, stomach, pancreas, liver and uterus. It’s only a matter of time before it spreads to the point of shutting down her vital organs. We’re not sure how much time she has… but she still doesn’t feel any pain. It’s just the fluid in her lungs that scares her. She has a catheter in her side to drain the fluid every few days. This Sunday there is a benefit dinner in her honor that some friends of the family have set up. All the proceeds go to her. There are raffles and music and a big spaghetti dinner. It’s absolutely heart-wrenching how generous and thoughtful people have been throughout all of this.

My mother and I decided last night that we are going to get a matching tattoo in honor of my aunt. It’s a play off of the tattoo I mentioned before… The quote “like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.” Except that in the leaf, it will have my aunt’s name. One of my cousin’s just recently got a tattoo in honor of her. She always signed her cards/letters “love ya” and so my cousin got a tattoo with that saying in my aunt’s handwriting. I think it’s awesome, and I really, really want to get this tattoo with my mother.

Only a few more weeks until my mother-in-law and one of my brother-in-laws make it over here from New Zealand for a few weeks. Only a few more weeks until we go to New York City for the first time. I’m trying so hard not to be terrified of this. I know it sounds so silly. It will be fun. My mother-in-law is taking me to see “Mamma Mia” on Broadway as an early birthday present.

My doctor put me on anti-depressants. They thought I may have had Lyme Disease or a thyroid problem, but after all the blood work came back fine, she was convinced it’s just my depression and anxiety making a come back. I can’t say I’m surprised… I knew it was only a matter of time before I wouldn’t have it under control anymore. I haven’t been on medication for depression or anxiety since I was a teenager. I had been doing so well. But… You know how that goes.

I realize this post makes me sound like the biggest emo princess known, but I promise you this isn’t the case. I’m actually doing quite well. The medication is helping, despite the fact that I’m not sleeping well because of it. I’m really excited to meet part of my New Zealand family – considering I’ll be married three years this December. I am able to spend a lot of quality time with my aunt before she passes, so I know I haven’t missed out on anything – and will have no regrets once she’s gone. And most importantly, it’s made me realize how important my mother (and my father) are. If anything, this whole situation has gotten my mother and I to grow even closer than we already had been as I’ve been getting older. I am so unbelievably lucky to have the relationships I do with my parents, and I can’t ever appreciate them enough for it.

So, I guess that’s all I have in me now.

Sometimes life throws so much at you that you just start to feel so tiny in a huge current of stress. Like the things you’re up against are so much bigger than you, and that there is absolutely no way you would be able to fight it.

Ok, so that sounds a bit melodramatic, but I’m having a bit of a melodramatic time, so it’s sort of fitting.

I don’t even know if I can type much at the moment. I just seemed to have gotten myself to stop crying and compose myself, and so I don’t want to trigger anymore waterworks. I’m pretty sure I’ve cried enough in the past few weeks to form a small ocean. Possibly a mid-sized one.

Today has just been a stress-worthy day. For no other reason than I’ve been home by myself for most of it, and when I’m emotional and alone, I tend to get myself worked up and upset. Our cats got into a fight and it has become painfully obvious that it’s just not working out. I spent a good portion of the afternoon sitting on this couch, crying my eyes out because I am heartbroken that we are going to have to give Carlie up, and that Clea has come to hate me and be terrified of the house.

I got to see my aunt yesterday, which was bittersweet. For those unaware, my aunt was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago, and since being diagnosed, the doctors have given her a six-month window, if that. She is not doing well. My poor grandparents. They lost a son – my uncle – to cancer back in 1989 when he was only 40-years old. My aunt will be 65 in October, and to have to lose another child to the same thing… It’s just wrong. Parents should not have to bury their children. Especially on such tragic, painful circumstances. My aunt was like a second mother to my brother and I growing up. We have mounds of memories of her.

And I have to stop now, because the waterworks are starting.

I’m just having a really hard time dealing with even the smallest of things lately. It feels like everything takes everything in me to accomplish.

And it just kinda sucks.

Tomorrow marks a few things. Tomorrow is the last day of my one-and-a-half week vacation. It also marks the day that I can pre-order my iPhone 4 (actually I’m hoping to do this by midnight tonight if at all possible). And last (but definitely not least) it marks the three-year anniversary of Simon’s arrival to the U.S. The day that I met him in person for the first time ever after knowing him for four years online. I’m taking him out to dinner to celebrate. I can’t believe it’s been three years! Part of me feels like he’s been here forever… I almost can’t imagine life without him now. But I can still remember sitting in the airport terminal, scared shitless about what would come out of those gates for me, and what it would mean for us. We had already expressed our love for each other. We already knew what we wanted to happen. But we had never actually met before that moment and it was terrifying and  exhilarating all at once.

For those who don’t know, we ended up being married six months later and we’ll be celebrating our three year anniversary this December!

I am really, really not looking forward to going back to work on Wednesday. It’s been about three years since I took a vacation, and this week and a half went by so very quickly, I feel like I’ll need another two just to recover from going back. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I hate my job. There’s just so much drama. It’s been so nice to be living relatively drama-free for the last ten days. I’m almost afraid of how I’m going to react to jumping back into things. Hopefully I’ll be able to swallow my anxiety and just ride the wave.

I am quite sad over the fact that I didn’t take my vacation as an opportunity to photograph more. There’s so much I want to do/try… but really I need more tools. I really want this flash for my camera. I also want this skin (or this one) and this wireless remote. I don’t ask for much, right?

But with the purchase of my iPhone 4, I’m not going to be spending much money elsewhere for a while.

But, they will be mine. Oh yes, they will be mine. Someday.

What is the best (and worst) thing happening to you this week?

I completely forgot to share a photo of our new addition, Carlie. Unfortunately I haven’t gotten the chance to get a good shot of her with my camera, so you’ll have to settle for a faux-vintage looking shot from my phone. She is the friendliest cat I have ever encountered in my life. For those of you who missed my last introduction of her, she was my very good friend Leah‘s kitty. Unfortunately she wasn’t able to keep her, and so Simon and I offered to try and give her a good home. She’s two-years old and absolutely adorable.

Unfortunately, my current kitty (a.k.a. my baby girl) Clea isn’t so thrilled with her newly acquired sibling. Clea was never a “cat” kind of cat. She has always been a loner (read: neurotic). Clea is about six years old. Ask anyone who knows me, she is my child. She had a hard time when we decided to add a slew of feathery friends (nine finches) to our home. Then we decided to shake things up and adopt a very loving (also huge) rabbit named Hopkins, and I was hugely surprised by the fact that Clea didn’t disown us right then and there. But now, we’ve brought a cat home. Another her. And she is not adjusting as well as I would have hoped. Granted she’s not adjusting worse than I feared either.

So as of now, Carlie stays in the guest bedroom. I feel badly, because she very much wants to roam the house. Unfortunately she isn’t allowed to, since one night we decided to let her roam free, Clea refused to come upstairs and peed in the laundry room. Right now I bring Carlie out once a day, and hold her while sitting near Clea, speaking positively to Clea and petting her while holding Carlie. She deals for a few minutes, and then decides that she’s been polite enough, hisses and proceeds to hide under our bed for about 20 minutes. And then she’s fine. Today she actually ate some wet food (albeit under the bed) while Carlie roamed the bedroom, checking things out.

So… baby steps. I realize that I can’t expect them to be BFF’s overnight, or ever, really. I just feel badly. I feel badly for Carlie being locked in a room and I feel bad for Clea because she obviously feels threatened. BUT, things are getting better, slowly but surely… and I’m hoping that sometime in the next millennium they’ll be able to tolerate each other without peeing on floors and tearing each other to shreds. That would be kinda nice.

What kind of pets do you have?

It’s been a week since Simon and I have been on vacation, and we’ve done nothing but work on my car. We’ve successfully installed the new struts and springs to lower the suspension (and broke a CV joint in the process, in which we had to call a mobile mechanic and have him come to the house to fix it… thank the lord), and installed new HID headlights as well. We still have to replace a motor mount, but I suppose we’ll get to that tomorrow.

It’s been so very relaxing not having to go into work.

And my eyes are closing, so I think this should be my send off for now…

Our internet is down again, which explains the lack of updates.

Ok, it doesn’t really. My lack of updates are mostly explained by the fact that I’m unmotivated, uninspired, and just plain lazy. But at least now I have something else to blame it on.

I’m currently at work, early enough where no one else is around so I thought I would take a quick moment to let everyone know that yes, I am still alive and well, so you can rest soundly tonight. I know it was bothering you so.

I have nothing new to report. Except that I am so very much looking forward to my visit with my darling Leah, who I haven’t seen in probably five or so years… Maybe more? And Simon and I shall be acquiring a new furry animal to our growing farm – Leah’s kitty. We really appreciate her trusting something so special of hers with us. It definitely says a lot. Simon is looking forward to a new cuddle-buddy. And Leah and I will also be planning out our awesome tattoo that we plan on getting in June when I am on vacation. Cannot wait. I’ve been wanting another tattoo for so very long.

Alright. I suppose I should get back to actually earning my keep here. Hopefully today will pass without much drama. These days seem to be very drama-filled as of late. Wish me luck.

Oh, and while you’re here – why don’t you leave a comment and tell me what you’re looking forward to in your life lately?

I have spent the last 24 hours sitting in front of this computer screen, attempting to create Jessica Gallagher.com. I purchased it what seems like forever ago, but have yet to actually make a portfolio out of it. It’s been so long since I’ve actually coded something, I felt like a fish out of water. It’s a good thing there’s a door to this office, because I’m pretty sure I’ve called the computer every name in the book (and a few ones that never made it to the book). It probably would have helped if I had some sort of plan, or idea of how I wanted the site to actually look like… but that would have been something called “planning ahead” and I’ve never been too good at that. I have to say that I’m pretty pleased with the way it’s going. And, surprisingly, it actually is looking the way I had envisioned it in my mind. Which is saying a lot, because that just doesn’t happen when it comes to me and code.

I’ve forgotten how much I really love creating websites. I mean, granted, I’m no genius. And now that I’m not in my angsty teen phase, I’ve noticed that most of my friends have grown up and actually do this shit for a living – so my knowledge is nowhere near as great as most people I know. I’ve fallen out of the proverbial code loop, as it were… but there’s just something about it. It’s been a very long time since I have sat in front of a computer for a full weekend, staring at the screen until my eyes cross, swearing at a string of code that just won’t work until I feel like giving up, then feeling like I’ve won the lottery when I fix it. Last night I could barely fall asleep, because I was thinking about how to make things work. Plans of ideas of what I wanted to do. I actually dreamed about coding last night. I can’t remember the last time that happened.

I have a love-hate relationship with web design. Sort of like the relationship I’ve developed with photography. I’m beginning to think all my relationships with things are love-hate. But the love part of it totally makes up for everything else.

The front of our house is finally beginning to look alive. Spring always makes me so hopeful and happy. The days are longer, the wind is warmer, and I can blast my music in my car with the windows rolled down on the highway. Sometimes it makes me so giddy I could cry.

I stayed home from work today. I was still feeling so very run down and unwell, and I figured I could get some stuff done from home. If only I could take one day a week to work from home every week. That would be a sweet deal. Beats commuting and hour each way. Have I mentioned how much I despise drivers lately? Because I really, really do.

It’s nearly 8 o’clock and it’s still light out. Can it get any better than that?

Things have been a little stressful as of late. I’m not even sure why I’ve been feeling so… annoyed. Irked. Irritated. Work is starting to get to me, I suppose. Thankfully Simon and I will be on vacation June 7th-June17th. June can’t come quickly enough, let me tell you. But, I like my job and I am thankful to have a job. Sometimes I just feel like I need a serious break for a while.

We got our new bed and I’ve been sleeping so much better. It’s amazing what a good bed will do to your sleep cycle. And it’s huge. We decided to go with a king-sized bed, because we are always fighting for space in our queen… and we finally have the room in our bedroom for a large bed. I don’t know how we ever got by in a queen! You can see the new beauty in all her glory here. Clea even approves as you can see from the photo up there. Such a pretty little kitty, she is.

I recently was able to get some new music, since we finally got our internet back. I cannot tell you how happy this makes me. I kind of went a little crazy… But I have found some new addictions that I have been listening to constantly:

• “According To You” - Orianthi
• “Giving Up the Gun” - Vampire Weekend
• “Bad Romance” - Lady Gaga
• “Telephone” - Lady Gaga featuring Beyonce
• “Over You” - Honor Society
• “Night By Night” - Chromeo
• “I Can Transform Ya” - Chris Brown featuring Lil Wayne
• “In My Head” - Jason Derulo
• “Hey, Soul Sister” - Train
• “Carry Out” - Timbaland featuring Justin Timberlake
• “Rude Boy” - Rihanna
• “Soldier of Love” - Sade
• “All the Right Moves” - OneRepublic

Looking back on that list now, it’s kind of a random mix. “Over You” by Honor Society sounds straight out of the 80′s and I am in love with it. “Night By Night” is straight out of the 70′s. They’re just so addicting. I was stuck in traffic yesterday blasting the music with the windows down, singing and dancing in my seat… and I’m pretty sure the girl in front of me was dancing with me…